Witchspotting
by Heironymous Von Rickenback
Summary: The Pevensie children are playing Hide and Seek. Edmund follows Lucy into the wardrobe. Edmund is a character from Trainspotting, and that's how he narrates it. Not suitable for children!


The thing you've got tae remember about this is that me wee sister Lucy isnae what they call a chancer exactly. Ken wha ah mean? But when she came oot o' that wardrobe bletherin' aboot fauns and wetches an' that, me and ma seblengs jest telt her tae haud 'er wheesht. Ah mean, it's all very well humourin' these weans, but ye have tae draw the line somewheres.

Anyways, she didnae take kindly tae that and she kept it up for a few days, sayin' am no a radge, am talking sense, Edmund, but ah couldnae believe a word she was saying.

Anyway am playing hide and seek wi the rest of 'em, and it's Peter's turn to seek, so he starts counting and we all skedaddle. Surprise surprise, our wee sister starts heading up the stairs to the room where the wardrobe is. Am thinkin, what's this bampot up tae now? She isnae gaun tae shut hersen in again is she?

It's no that there's anything wrong wi shuttin yersen in somewhere per se. Ma pal Rents has tae shut hisself in from time tae time when he decides tae get auf the skag. But Lucy's only ten years auld. Much as her heed's full o' mince, ah didnae want her tae be greetin in there all oan her own.

So that's why ah decided tae follow her intae the wardrobe.

So ah squeezed meself in between these fur coats whech were hanging there an ah started whespering.

-Lucy, ye there?

But she didnae answer me. So am gropin about there in the wardrobe and ah couldnae see fuck all in there. I couldnae even remember which way ahv come in.

Anyway, so ahv followed Lucy intae this wardrobe, but she isnae in there. So I think tae masell, fuck this, ahm gettin oot a here. So ah spy whaur the light's comin fae and ah head that way.

This is the part where ye might not believe me, but ah would'ne be tellin ye if it wasnae true. As ah came out fae the wardrobe, ah noticed ma feet were freezing. So I looked doon and am standing in snow. Now, you're thinking aye, right, snow in a fuckin wardrobe. But that's the thing. I wasnae in the wardrobe. I looked up around me, and ah was in some kindae wood. Ah took a few steps and all ah could see was trees everywhere. Ah put on one ay the coats from the wardrobe cause the wood was fucking dreich. Snow everywhere.

So, as am walking am thinkin tae masell. Fuck. We've all been making oot like Lucy's some kindae balloon, talking pish about this Narnia, when in actual fact she wasnae wrong. Nae wonder she's been greetin away tae herself. She's been treated well shan.

Then through the trees ah cannae believe what am seeing. There's a fucking lamp-post. In the middle ay a wood. Am thinking, aye, right, is it there tae help the squirrels get their shopping home or some shite? Get tae fuck. But as am drawing near, I havetae believe ma eyes, cause that's exactly what it is. A fuckin lamp-post.

Ah jest stood there fer a minute or two, looking at it. Then ah started walking on through the wood, shoutin out tae Lucy.

-Lucy! Whaur are ye, ye lettle cunt? Get oot here, now!

But she doesnae answer. Am thinking right, she's gaun tae make me suffer fer this. She's no the forgiving type. Ken wha ah mean?

So am thinking that tae masell and walking and ah hear this wee tinkiling noise, like bells. So ah think tae masell, mest be last orders somewhere. Ah was glad ah didnae have Begbie wi me.

Am walking along and this tinking noise is getting louder and louder. Am looking round, wondering whaur it's comin fae. When round this clump ay trees comes this sledge. It's all white. It's got these wee horses pulling it. They're white an aw. Am thinking, get tae fuck, if ye can afford scran for two horses, why would ye not jest buy a fucking snowmobile and have done wi?

This sledge pulls up alongside me. There's this tall lass riding it, nae colour in her cheeks. She looks well pally-wally. Am thinking she's no had her methadone or something. And there's this wee cunt sitting next tae her wi this ridiculous red hat oan.

The sledge stops right next tae me and she looks doon at me all condescending like.

-What are ye?

She says. Can ye believe the cheek o this one?

-I'm Edmund.

I says. And then she says,

-ye cannae talk tae the Queen like that, ye cunt!

And am thinking, aye, right, ahv walked through a wardrobe intae a wood and now am tearin the tartan wi the fucking queen. People are gaun tae think am fucking reekin when ah tell them this.

-What are you, anyways?

She asks me again. Am thinking ah know how this one goes. She wants tae know if am Rangers or Celtic, and there's a fifty per cent chance am about tae get glassed by the wee cunt.

-Am just a normal bloke

ah says tae her

-Ah dinnae follow the football that much.

She keeps giving me this filthy look.

-You're a fucking idiot is what yar. Are ye human?

She says. Couldnae believe it.

-Aye.

Ah says tae her.

-Whaur dae ye come fae?

She asks me. Av still got my eye on that wee feller.

-Britain.

Ah says.

-How did ye get here?

She asks me. Well I couldnae say on the National Express now, could ah?

-Wardrobe.

Ah says. To my surprise she doesnae even looked shocked by this.

-Aye.

She says.

-Av heard all about that. Chum me for a bit ay scran?

Well, it wasnae like ah was inundated wi invitations at that point, so ah jumped up on the sledge wi her and the wee feller. She cracks out a few cans ay fizzy juice and we're there slurping away, like.

-You're no gaun tae drink that without having a bit ae scran are ye?

She asks us.

-That's fucking rank.

So she unraps a bag o chips and we start tucking in.

Now, there was something funny about those chips. If ah say chips to ye, ye probably dinnae imagine anything too exciting. But wi these chips it was different. It was like, imagine the best orgasm you've ever had, then multiply it by a million, and yer still nae even close. She wasnae even eating them. Ah ate the whole lo by masell and then am just sat there looking at the greasy paper, feeling a wee bit self-conscious, and she's still spraffin away about fauns and beavers an all that shite. We'd gotten off tae a bit ay a bad start, but ah was warming tae the lass at this point, having tasted those chips.

-Did ye mention ye had a brother and sister?

She asked us.

-Aye.

Ah said.

-Mebbe they'd like tae chum ye tae Narnia next time? We can have chips again if ye want. They do a braw white pudding too.

-Oh aye, that sounds pure barry.

Ah said. For some reason am fucking starving again, even though av just eaten all those chips. Am thinking aye, white pudding, that'll dae nicely.

She gives us her address all friendly like and then her and the wee feller drive oaf again.

Am jest standing there in the wood holding this greasy chip paper when ah hear this wee voice calling out.

-Edmund! Edmund!

Ah turn around and it was Lucy, running over tae us through the trees.

Am in fer it now ah thought, but she wasnae even angry wi us.

-Edmund yer here too!

She says.

-You wankers have been saying ahv bin talking shite all week but now you've seen it fer yerself. It's pure tidy is it no?

-Aye. Pure tidy. Apart from the snow.

-Aye. Jest you wait til we tell those other cunts about this!

-Aye.

Tae be honest I wasnae looking forward tae that part. Out of us all, ahd been dead shan tae Lucy, an everyone was gaun tae think ah was a dick. Not like they didnae already.

As we got back tae the wardrobe, Lucy's turned tae us and said

-Edmund, yalright? Ye look fair pally-wally.

Ah started thinking about how the lass on the sledge had been looking when she came past. An how ahd eaten her chips.

-Aye, fine. Nae bother.

We got those great coats oaf an put em back an then we stepped out ay the wardrobe an back intae the house.

As soon as we did, Peter and Susan came bursting through the door, and Lucy comes oot wi,

-right then! time fer you cunts to eat your words! Edmund's bin in there wi us. He's bin tae Narnia too! Tell 'em, Edmund.

Well, at that point I hadnae even decided wha ah was gaun tae do. On the one hand, ah had been tae Narnia, and ah knew that Peter in particular would ha been keen tae try those chips. On the other hand, as ah said, ahd been teckin the pish wi Lucy an if ah telt the others ah was wrong, they'd think ah was a dick. So ah made the only choice ah could.

-Get tae fuck Lucy! Ah havnae been anywheres! we've been in the wardrobe waitin fer these wankers!

So o course Lucy starts greeting again and runs oot like.

She still hasnae forgiven us.


End file.
